Hi dear friends, are we allowed to talk about sexuality issues on here?
I would love to open up and explain some things, and... well.. I want to make sure that it is okay to do so.

Thank you,
Rebecca

Well my dear - I don't really know. I have never seen anything on the topic. We shall see if others give you any input

I might suggest that you could pick some of your favorite people on the board that you trust and feel comnfortable with and start a group PM ... Maybe invite 4-5 people in to a discussion and see where it goes? You wouldn't get the broadest perspective but I'm not sure how openly you want to pursue the subject But - you wouldn't be offending the sensitive either! LOL

If you want some info on starting a group PM - let me know....

HUGS!!

I don't see why not, sexuality is part of life and there was just a long thread on tantra that got pretty detailed. Not that
tantra has to be sexual but... Everyone on here seems pretty open and accepting so I think whatever you are comfortable with
is the key. My opinion.

Kim (Jana's brother)

LOL Kim - and a good brother you are!!!

So - two votes say we go for it. Will it be off topic or a healing request?

I say go for it as well. If it's too much information for some, let them avoid the threads. I don't think we have any children here. Some teens, I think, but they probably know more than we hope and it's time to learn anyway.

I agree! My daughter gave me the "talk" when I was 48 or so.

Let it rip, and lets see how we can help you.
(hmmmmmmmm...thats four votes to go ahead so far)
zeneagle

Make it five. Sexuality/sex is part of your body function. Leave it to us Americans to have an outdated taboo.

Much Love

One of the great things about freedom of speech - besides being free to speak, we're free to not listen (read).
Go for it.
Christina
PS Especially if you begin the thread with a disclaimer - that it will contain material of a sexual nature and if they would be bothered by that then don't read any further.

Fine by me, Rebecca Grace! Anyway, I always like reading your posts.

Zen, had to laugh at your daughter giving you 'the talk'!!!

Yep, i agree, its part of life, can see no reason it shouldnt be discussed
Go for it love!

Love Molinda xxx

Wow... What a wondrous group to have such access to! I feel so blessed to be able to allow the thoughts and reality to flow out...
<breath out>
I think I am going to get really warm and comfortable first before I let loose the... (which animal should I use? Tiger? Haha..)
Alright, okay, I put on an extra sweater, I am warmer, the temperature was at 16degrees, now it is at 21degree (it is a beautiful and cold winter outside here in Alberta) the water is boiling for tea, the house is now empty.. and... a lump in my throat forms.. and my eyes spill a little.
I finally lost my virginity 4 days ago with a man who I love who is so good for me and to me, who is more affectionate, patient, and understanding than I have ever experienced by a lover before. He is 31 and does a different type of energy work that he learned in Azerbaijan. It is.. somewhat related to Sufism, if anyone knows this practice, but it is all inclusive. Anyone from any relgion can do it and people can be doing it without ever being taught and without know they are doing it. I have yet to learn more about it, or how to do it, but it involves connecting to the network that the universe is. Because the Earth is two-polar, there is both a positive and negative network. The practice allows him to connect to the network, but there is also a shield somehow that allows only positive energy to enter the both of them, the one who gives and the one receiving.
Perhaps that was beside the point, but I think to include some details about my Love is helpful.
What came to mind just now is that sometimes, when he and I have some disagreements, or when something doesn't work out, I feel like I am undeserving of him, or ever greater, undeserving of a relationship, or possibly, undeserving of a healthy relationship.
(tea is boiled, brb )

Hm.. Farid's first relationship lasted 5 years. They broke up when he moved to Canada, less than 3 years ago. In Canada he had an on and off Spanish gf who he said wasn't as close as he and I are. Mm.. I do know that his first gf must have been so special.. And I also feel that Farid is the kind who will hold onto a relationship and the person he loves and to work it out. For me, since the beginning when I got a bf, I let them go so easily without trying to work it out. As soon as I saw something that was not good, or as soon as negative stuff reappeared a few times and we didn't work on it, I would just let the guy go like that. Sometimes it was right that I did that as the relationship wouldn't have flowered anyway, we weren't meant for each other, but the fact that my love life history is a series of 2 week-4 monthers is.. well... gosh... It can have an effect, on the future relationships right? Apparently I am worried for the future instead of settling into, and enjoying the present which is my goal from now on.
Hm... Where to go now...
Oh yes, so, I lost my virginity finally... Or... I am not sure if that first time the hymen broke because I was in control and I brought him to enter at my pace... Soon afterwards .. he said I was not yet.. it was still there, the hymen and that it is better if the guy gives a gentle but firm entry so that it breaks. I felt sad with this because not 3 minutes after a man who I love competely enters my body for the first time, he talks about.. my hymen? And how it should be done..? I now completely realize that he was just offering his knowledge and wasn't telling me what to do, or something.. but I felt sad because.. I had hoped to snuggle and just enjoy the fact that I had shared this with him... Later on he realized how I felt after I explained it to him. But... I felt.. like it wasn't so important to him as it was to me. 1 because he is older, 2 because he is earnest when he says he doesn't care if I was a virgin or not, he simply wanted to be with me. I went to go to the bathroom and then I decided to have a shower to wash, to warm up, and for some comfort. When I came back to bed he was careful and sincere to mention that he appreciated much that I had shared this with him...

I feel childish. I feel like I have lived in an ideal world. I feel like my ideas of virginity have been controlled by.. opinions.
Before, up until the age of 20, I kept my virginity because I hadn't found the men with which to share it with. Afterwards, my brother who is a conservative Christian, and many books I was drawn to about women in Islamic countries got me to feel scared about such things as losing the virginity and sexual pleasure.

I am not a stranger to sexual pleasure, especially masterbation because since I was a girl around the age of 10 I began. There was absolutely nothing shameless about that for me, although interestingly enough I made sure my family in the other bedrooms couldn't hear me. When in junior high school people were talking about masterbation, I had no idea what it was... When I found out that what I did had a name for it, and that it was laughed at, I felt perplexed about it... Why did people laugh at something that felt so good? Why wasn't it accepted?
I was really quite innocent about expressing sexuality in words and with a bf until I was 17 which was when my first kiss with tongue occured. I remember that he was so pleased that I had never kissed with tonque prior to him, and I was so pleased that he was pleased, too. Why? I believe because although the North American society is so open about sexuality, I was different in that sense, and I didn't need to have someone to be happy and to experience my sexuality. (I guess? I dunno) I just wasn't swayed into what other girls thought was cool to have a boyfriend. Thus, because of my not finding a man with who I wanted to share myself with (until Farid) I remained a virgin and I remained so picky and choosey about a bf so that if I saw the slightest hint of a poor future or too little in common, or... or.. or.. I would shut down the relationship and be gone.

Beloved Farid... When I lost my virginity, because I was in control and because the pain was minimized because I brought myself to relax because I knew that he wasn't going to push into me and because I was controlling the rate and speed, I felt pleasure, but he didn't. For him, though, it matters more that I experience pleasure than if he experiences pleasure. For me, it matters if he experiences pleasure than if I do, but, I know it is so important to him that I am turned on and if I am not turned on after he works to try to, or if I turn off quickly after something small thing happens, then don't turn on afterwards... well... then, he feel perplxed, and sometimes quite worried.

So, the second time we had sex was 3 days after the first. Hmm.. Now it gets interesting because we made a wonderful dinner together which we ate with champagne, we were settled on a grizzley bear skin that his friend lent to him, and we were watching "The Atonement", a love story that is completely screwed up by a selfish, 8 yr old girl. Because I am such an easy drunk because I rarely drink, and because I think I get turned on so easily if I get tipsy, I turned to Farid and began to kiss him with a stronger passion than I normally do - and I love that I felt this amount of passion to do so, and he is so receptive of it. We had to fix some things, like put the food away, turn some lights of and put some on, and then he asked if I wanted to smoke some kush. Drugs is another area that I am completely new to. In my entire life up to now, I have tried a miniscule amount of weed 2x and hash 1 time to no effect. Then with Farid, this would be the 3rd time. The first time with him that I tried kush we were watching the most horrible documentary. My throat became so sore, I became so cranky and serious, and my eyes couldn't see. I didn't even know I was high because I thought it was supposed to feel good and have a calming but mind-opening effect. The 2nd time... well... it wasn't so bad as the first, but I still didn't like it like some people do. This third time.. hm.. it was so interesting. On kush, I look around me, and suddenly I see that I am completely naked sitting beside a man from the middle east who is also completely naked, we are both tipsy from champagne, and he is putting a pipe with drugs in it to my mouth and we are both getting really high a feeling that I haven't put in the category as pleasant, yet. What I began to feel was nothing. I was so relaxed that the following events unfolded so quickly, and soon, after I did something somewhere else in the house and came back and lied on the couch, Farid soon there gently touch me so that I felt turned on and then he was on top of me, and then inside of me and he was enjoying, and.. I felt pain and was like a spectator of the event, rather than a participator - simply because I didn't feel the pleasure of sex that he felt... He realized this and then brought me to the grizzley carpet on the floor to be face up instead of down. Some lubricant was applied and then same thing. He enjoyed to a large degree, and I was not... To be honest, I didn't mind that I was not enjoying, sex was so new to me, and I was happy that Farid enjoyed, but then he asked "Do u not feel turned on?"
"Mm... not really.."
"Does it hurt?"
"Just a little."
And then he layed his head on my chest and a quiet, short, 1 sylable laugh came from out of him, a laugh of disbelieve that was somewhat sad...
He was wondering to himself which later came out: what is wrong with himself that he cannot turn me on. For me, I didn't know. I thought, is it because it is first couple times and it is a new thing and I'm not yet rarin to go? Is it I have lost my desire for sex? Is it that our chemistry is such that he doesn't turn me on? And if so, why is he so turned on my a gentle stroke to him, and for him, he can try so many things, and works so hard for my pleasure, and sometimes I just don't turn on, or if I do, it is momentarily so that it can't be put to use. It comes and goes like that...
It is such a perplexing issue. And for him..? Experiencing sex and pleasure, which is like deep energy sharing and another form of communication, is so important to him for our relationship. He says that even if sex takes up only 5-15% of time spent in a relationship, it is one of the most important and out of the outcome of the sex life, the couples relationship will evolve. In other words, if the couple's sex life is poor, they will slowly begin to have a poor relationship. If their sexual life is great, so will their relationship be. (This is talking not about the types of relationship that is based on sex, but a relationship where they love each other and have similar interests and mentality.)

I do know that... because sex is new to me that there should be no pressure for a preconceived outcome.

A friend asked me, "Have you surrendered to him yet?"
"Well, yes, 3 days ago I surrended my virginity to him."
"There are more ways to surrender than just the body. Have you emotionally and spiritually surrendered to him?"
I thought about it... And wondered myself if I have. Maybe I need to just give myself to him in more than one way, to relax, to let go of whatever I am holding onto including the pain, and just love the man who is closer to me than any other person ever came. I know that he gives everything to me... And it feels so good...

Regarding other parts of our relationship, like the communication sector, I have realized that I can be so childish. Either the smallest things will hurt me or I was take offense if I feel he is trying to teach me something, even though to him he is only sharing something he knew that he thought I would like to know, too. He has clearly stated that he isn't try to be my mentor, that he doesn't think that he is superior, but that he adores me, loves me, that I am inside of him, and that there is no you, and no i, there is just us. He really is a gentle person- he never means to create pain for me and tries to always make me feel comfortable, or... whatever... and I feel like I am so childish at times... As if I always want to be the one who knows, who controls... And I feel whenever we have an discussion where our opinions differ, that it is all because of me, that I am understanding what he says from an immature viewpoint, and that he is simply being himself.
Hmm...
Well...
I think this comes close to most of what I feel about the entire thing so far... If there is more.. I'll be sure to post it... And.. before I close, I want to express my deepest gratitude for you all... The responses, the love, the support, the sharing of expertise never ceases to amaze me and again and again, I feel like I have found a well of treasure and love and comfort and knowledge or wisdom or both and whenever I need, I can just dip into it and pull out the amount. And... No matter if I take a truck load of water or the amount that fits into my hands only, the well's water never goes down a cm.
I love you!!
Love Rebecca

Dear Rebecca

Sex and love are a never-ending adventure in joy. Contrary to popular belief, it is an evolving, learning process. You never stop learning - I say that with authority because after 35 year with the same man, I am constantly surprised and delighted. (No, I was not a virgin when we were married, nor was he the only one)

Don't worry about the outcome or what you read in books and magazines. This experience is uniquely yours and Farid's and it will evolve exaclty as it should. Bodies are different and it takes awhile for one body to learn anothers likes and dislikes - it is a treasure hunt. Enjoy the learning.

If I might, I would suggest that you enjoy the experience without the enhancements of drugs or alcohol. The experience might seem to be heightened, but the spiritual energetic connection is not. Relax and absorb the very special energy - the Universe is passionate about us and our physical expression of that energy is like nothing else. Sex without love is - well - sex. Sex with love is a tiny glimpse of the passionate love of All-There-Is. You are opening more than just your body and you are opening to more than just a man. I did not know that in the beginning - I had to learn it. The more I learned that every act of love was an act in Trinity, the deeper and more wonderous the experience became.

Give yourself time to relax and enjoy the special little nuances that you are experiencing and don't look for a "greater" experience. It will all come. (no pun intended)

And the responsible part of me is reminding me that I must remind you to take proper precautions. I can not stress that enough!!!! That, too, is a reminder form the Universe.

Jana, I am glad I waited to post a reply to Rebecca here, as I could not have written it 1/10th so well as you! However, I did not want Rebecca to go unanswered, possibly fearing that we had taken offence!

I heartily agree about the sex without alchohol - that one night with one man is something I'll not remember very positively. I was turned on to begin with, but when it came to the sex itself, there was 'nothing' in me, I did not connect, it was a disaster from my viewpoint, and - rightly - we never saw each other again!!! (We did not connect on any level, unlike you and Farid.)

That's really all I have to contribute at the moment, but I do want to add, Rebecca, that I feel it an honour that you have shared this information with me.

I wish you well, in whatever you do, and however you do it.

Oh, and something I do now, is switch on the Reiki whilst we are making love, my husband and I...not sure whether its possible to run QT though, as I'm not sure I could concentrate on the breathing....

Rebecca,
I'll agree with Jo here...I feel so honored, and humbled, that you would trust us here so much that you could bare your most intimate events and feelings to us. I absolutely took no offense. After all, I'm the guilty one for bringing up tantra. lol

I couldn't agree more with Jana's and Jo's suggestions to bypass the "additives." Alcohol and other substances DO skew the energetic connection in that scenario, and for two people whom have cultivated a love so deep, yet so new, you are both learning one another. Keep the energetic bond between you as "homeostatic," or fundamentally natural, as possible, so that your learning journey together will be on as strong and genuine a foundation as possible. Entering into altered states of consciousness in the beginning can cause an uneven pattern of bricks in the foundation of the love you're creating together. That being said - if you both feel the urge to experiment as part of that journey with each other, then allow it, but don't get lost.
In the issue you bring up of your first moments joined, and the awkwardness of what Farid said/or didn't say, it could very well have been awkward for him, as well. My first was impatient, as it was also his first experience of this nature...and I experienced a lack of control and roughness that took me quite a number of years to heal. I think it was exquisitely loving that he allowed you to call the shots, and have the control, in that very special moment of bonding.

I'd agree genuinely to let go of any preconceived expectations you have gotten from any form of media. We're all unique, diverse. Our sexual bondings will also be unique, even every time. There's always something new to learn, study, enjoy.

And do take precautions when it comes to "creation" - of course, I know you know this!

Hugs and Love,
Ashley

Rebecca,

"And wondered myself if I have. Maybe I need to just give myself to him in more than one way, to relax, to let go of whatever I am holding onto including the pain, and just love the man who is closer to me than any other person ever came. I know that he gives everything to me... And it feels so good..."

Rebecca, this IS a powerful statement. Relax,and when you have doubts, listen to your heart.

I couldn't say it any better then my three sisters.

Much Love and joy