Hm...
Well...
You know how there are those relationships where, regardless of what type of relationship it is, both depend on each other for sommmething.. Whether for happiness, or to maintain the already established attachment, or to keep their life in the state 'normal' that they have known it for x amount of time, etc...

So... well... I broke up with my bf about 1 - 1 & 1/2 months ago... We are still sometimes in touch, but I find the content in his emails to be strange-ish, rr.. out of place, or even to a degree disrespectful, or not consistent with reality..? (I am willing to say, perhaps my reality..)

Anyway... I still feel a strange weird sense in my stomach when I read his emails, partly because of what has past, and partially cuz the content is way weird.

Mm... So, I am sort of testing to see what I do/how I respond, and why I do it... Right now I return the emails days or weeks after, or not at all if the content is not something I can relate to or reply about, or if it is just a plainly odd email.

Hmm... I also want to be sure that I am not dissing him in myself, or holding any negativity in myself about it... Because that would be no good for anyone.

I am not sharing this detailed info with anyone in my family or friends cuz it isn't too go to talk about or include things that are not so positive or give yucky vibes in my thoughts, although I have probably said to one friend that my ex sends strange emails. I would rather talk less or not at all about it, even though I don't understand his messages, sometimes.

Anyway - so, I just checked into myself and the negativity has cleared, or most of it, thankfully...

And I have been "practicing" on viewing as the Awareness that I am, what I feel, do, think. Hm.. gives a very different dimension almost immediately, if only for a second. And.. whatever I am doing becomes almost.. enjoyable? Or just, peaceful. Mind you, it is hard for me to remain in touch with the Awareness that I am when in a tougher situations, like when I feel uncomfortable with a certain person and my throat gets tight, or my stomach clenches, or my eyes cannot focus properly on the person to whom I am speaking. There is this girl who is super duper shy, seems to be more than I am, and whenever I stand in front of her just for conversation if we run into each other, I feel stuck like I cannot talk properly or look her in the eye - it is like my eyes close on me, or something.

Anyway. :0) I would like to go for a walk, it is getting dark out, so I hope my brother (who just turned 25 today!!! ) comes with me.

Love Rebecca

Hm, so just for a wee update..
In the end I told my mom and she asked to see the emails to see what is going on.
She read them and didn't pick up what I picked up from them and said felt that he and I are just on very different wave length, our sense of humour is very different - basically we are different people.
Hm... so, looking within, perhaps I have more letting go to do so that no matter what type of message received, I don't have an negative reaction that brings in thinking too much and making more out of it than there is...
My mom is very Christian.. And she likes to come from a gentle and calm point of view. So, if I learn anything from than, it is to deal with any situation using kindness and softness - and if I don't understand or know the meaning implied in the metaphor, then it is best to just say so. Anyway..
Bek

Hi Rebecca, Good to see you again. I'm happy that your mom was able to look at it from a different perspective and ease your mind. Sometimes moms are good like that.

Thanks Cris... You are right